The Beauty of Grief.

The beauty of grief.
All the pent up emotions.. All the disappointment and pain. All the things swept under the rug. All the things told to be left untouched and moved on from.
Coming like a ton of bricks.
Like an on-coming train heading straight for you, and you’re too wide-eyed to move. Crashing into you, rushing into you.
Oh the memories. Oh the terrors. Oh the deeply scary emotions of death. Near death. Brokenness. Trust trampled on. 
Oh the pain. Oh the unspeakable feelings that can’t be explained, only felt. 
Only grieved. Fully and fully. Feeling all of it, the tears falling down. Tumbling down. 

Can’t stop the breathing the trembling and quick breathing. Can’t stop the tears. Like when a rainstorm soaks and tears. Oh from the depths of my soul it comes forth.
I ask God why. Why? How come? Why me? Confusion anger hurt anger disappointment anger.
But after these deeply felt moments, I feel free for a second. Lighter. The burden has lifted. I’ve dealt with that moment of suppressed pain. 
Released. 

Onto the next. 

Advertisements

Verbal Abuse

Excepts taken from “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans:
1. Mostly, verbal abuse is secretive. Usually only the partner of the abuser hears it.
2. Verbal abuse becomes more intense over time. The partner becomes used to and adapted to it.
3. Verbal abuse takes many forms and disguises.
4. Verbal abuse consistently discounts the partner’s perception of the abuse.
(pg 21)
Verbal abuse may be overt, such as an angry outburst directed at the partner or an attack along the lines of, “You’re too sensitive.” Or it may be covert, hidden, as in thecase of “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” when in fact the abuser does know.
Covert verbal abuse is subversive because of its indirect quality. It is a covert attack or coercion. This kind of abuse has been described as “crazymaking.” It is “a form of interpersonal interaction that results from the repression of intense aggression and which seriously impairs its victim’s capacity to recognize and deal with he interpersonal reality.”  (pg 23)
Generally the responsibility for recognising verbal abuse rests with the partner of the abuse, because the abuser is not motivated to change. However, the partner may have difficulty recognising the abuse for what it is because she is led to doubt her feelings. For example, if she feels hurt or upset by something her mate has said and she expresses her feeling, saying, “I felt bad when you said that,” the verbal abuser, instead of recognising her feeling and responding appropriately, will reject and invalidate her feeling by saying something like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re too sensitive. The partner then doubts her own perception. Wh? In childhood, like many, she may have been taught that her feelings were to ignored. Feelings, however, are essential to our being, because the criteria by which we determine if something is wrong or unsafe.
(pg 24-35)
All verbal abuse is dominating and controlling. Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner’s knowledge is called “crazy making”. “The sustaining of power seems to be one key factor in crazy making behaviour. It appears to be a way of asserting dominance while denying its existence or the wish for it.”
Verbal abuse closes the door to true communication intimacy.
When the verbal abuser refuses to discuss a problem, he prevents all possibility of resolution. In this way he exercises control over the interpersonal reality. Partners are frequently left with a sick, hurt feeling that is never really resolved. There is no feeling of closure. Upsetting incidents may reoccur in confusing flashbacks because they haven’t been fully understood or resolved.
Because of his need for dominance and his unwillingness to accept his partner as an equal, the verbal abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions, experiences, values, accomplishments, and plans of his partner. Consequently, the partner may not even know what it is like to feel supported and validated in her relationship. In truth, a verbally abusive relationship is more or less constant invalidation of the partner’s reality.
The anguish and confusion which the partner experiences from the abuse is compounded by the abuser’s negation and invalidation of both the abuse and its effects.
(pg 45-46)

Disappointment 

How do we deal with disappointments? 

Denial? Completely gloss over the situation as if it never happened and continue life moving forward with lenses clouded with disappointment and a sense of inarticulatable loss? 

Forgetting we can feel pain and the depths of disappointment? 

Broken promises.. Lost hope.. Shattered ideals? 

Do we even consider we were disappointed? Or that it’s just a part of life and we need to move forward? 

Have we lost our sense of worth and value and allow every unjust thing to be part of our worth-telling?
Or do you step up to the plate, fully present and aware, fully ready to deal with the concept of pain and deeply unspeakable thoughts and feelings?

About your dad never being the one you imagined him to be.

Him not being in your life, neglected at adolescence. His voice and encouragements unavailable and unaccessible. 

His strength and love unfelt with the thousands of miles distance and occasional interaction.

Him showing his care through washing the dishes, moving the lawn, providing a home, but actually not there to be a part of your life process and growth.

Feeling like he never really knew you and you never really knew him.

And yet believing this was love and how it should be. 

Disappointment with financial instability but unable to tell him. Didn’t want to break all that he worked for. Sacrificed for.

But growing older and living together again with a huge gap between us, I can’t help but feel angry and disappointed from all our fights. His logical but not encouraging or nurturing advice. His harsh words and one-way thinking. His lack of emotional availability. 

Call it wishful thinking, call it crazy, call it needy, but to me.. It’s just a little girl longing for a loving caring affectionate present encouraging father. I think we all have this longing. 

And this longing unfulfilled for years and years and years and years, it catches up to you. You stop making excuses for him. You stop justifying his lack and you start feeling the pain. The deep deep sense of absence and longing. 

And that my friend, is disappointment first identified. Hard to put words but let me save you days of reflection and going back and forth from justifications and trying to understand and empathize and yell at yourself for feeling this way.

Perhaps fathers were meant to be a crucial part of children’s lives. Present, emotionally available, encouraging, affectionate, protective, and forgiving. 

Sure, many people don’t have this type of father but it doesn’t mean it should be that way forevermore. We need to discuss the disappointment of our families to see where we lacked, hurt, and need to grieve to move forward with a clearer and more healthy understanding of parents and family functions.

How do you deal with disappointment? 

“Hey Beautiful” Sweatshirt Photoshoot

Finally got to do a proper photoshoot to showcase my sweatshirt! Thank you Jun Hye for agreeing to model for me, and for being a big advocate for my products and campaign 🙂 Here are parts of the photoshoot! We took them at the Green Cloud Cafe in Hongdae, Seoul. I’m going to publicize this sweatshirt and its sales through various sites soon! So happy with these photos! What a beauty. 😉 The sweatshirt is designed by me, Judy Kim! It was originally for a design class for a promotional campaign fighting against verbal abuse and speaking life. This was to remind those looking that they are beautiful 😉

Etsy Store– these photos look so good with Jun Hye! Looking fabulous 🙂

Daily Boom– Korean store and site, which uses the Electronic Transfer Fund that helps makes payment so much easier in Korea!

IMG_0096IMG_0050IMG_0093-2IMG_0149IMG_0062-2

Love those shots 🙂 Still learning how to photograph professionally for products and how it looks indoors, without a studio, or if I need to do everything in a studio.These had a warm fun casual look, with a cool artistic cafe backdrop! I like the look of these photos, but I also realize if I want to put out these products on public selling sites I might have to try new things with a clear white studio or make things more commercial-like. Either way, I think I did my part with getting nice shots of the sweatshirt! 🙂 And Jun Hye modelled very well for her first time. I shall call her and her fiancé together once again when I make more couple products 😉

More professional photos:

IMG_0142

 

Love the look! And the WordPress upgrades that makes all these photo collages so lovely. Circles, tiles, squares, mosaics, etc. So cool, I wish I had one of these for my own photos that I can export for other outlets.

It was so awesome working with the lovely Jun Hye Doh! Finally got myself pictures as the artist behind the scenes. Hehe 🙂

IMG_0286.jpg

A photoshoot success 🙂 YAY.

 

All photos taken by Judy Kim on a Canon 5 Mark D ii with a 40mm f/2.8 lens. All photos are copyright to Judy Kim Productions.

Travel Blog

It’s 2016 and I finally got around to building my own travel blog! It’s been a minute but it’s finally here 🙂 Check out http://www.judykimadventures.wordpress.com! Right now they mostly include insights and experiences about Venice, Italy, upon my first couple of weeks moving there. What a glorious wonderful land. Some pictures as a sneak peek 😉

 

Director’s Reel

Video

 

 

Director Kendy Ty is incredible. I love his style, his stories, his composition, his spin on life. His perspective and his unveiling of this generation’s unspoken stories is so beautiful. So inspired to make my stories come to life via film. I love how you are just immersed into the character’s life, emotions, and their daily thoughts. Beauty. Dark, but beautiful.

I want to make such beautiful pieces.

 

A Heart-Wrenching Short Film

Video

 

I’ve discovered a respectable director that I happened to stumble upon, whose works are worthy of mention. His work is so raw, so revealing, and so heart-wrenching. Why do we pretend everything is okay when they are not? Why do we hide negative emotions as if it’s wrong and unworthy of our attention? Life and all its realities surround us. I love how raw this story is. It is but a glimpse of heartache, disappointment, confusion, injustice, and pain. Tragedy. Anger. Beautiful.

 

Exhaustion

Oh the joy of work and creative projects, ambitious artistic people, and new industry perspectives!

But oh, how exhaustion hits when physical injuries, the need for physical therapy and unprecedented commute time through the big bustling unstopping city of Seoul consumes the weekly grind.

Searching for the balance.

I’ve been so exhausted lately. I hope to be rejuvenated, be physically healed in my knee, and be able to relax after my college education is finally over. Winter courses are killing me, this documentary is fun but a lot of investment in time and energy and training others.

I can’t wait to be done. Can’t wait to travel to Thailand & Malaysia. Then graduate from Ewha Womans’ University in Seoul, South Korea. Then work full-time for Dino Media as a Media Marketing Manager! ㅎㅎ. Exciting things ahead 🙂

 

The Taboo of Emotions.

Why is it negative to be emotional? 
As if we were meant to be unfeeling creatures, 
Able to process life in commands and do’s and don’t’s 
As if we were to be stiff robots.
To see all things objectively.
To see as one man, one mind. 
As only one type of way.

To think not feel.
Why are emotions taboo? 
As if emotions are a barrier for truth and resolution. 
As if emotions get in the way of healthy friendships and conflict resolution.

Isn’t it what sets us apart from mere animals? 
Or non-living things?
Weren’t our brains made to have emotional capacity, such as heartbreak, hurt, empathy, jealousy, hatred, disappointment, and forgiveness?
Don’t we have the capacity to feel and explore the reality of such things? 

To figure out such things out? 
Why are emotions such taboo? 

What’s wrong with involving emotions in a conflict and express how each other felt?
What’s so wrong about sadness and disappointment? 

Why must we push it aside, sweep it under the rug, hide it in the corners of our minds
And pretend everything is alright.
As if our emotions don’t have anything to do with our welfare. 
As if emotions are the last thing to be cared for on this earth.

Why must we view emotions as such? 

Can’t we deal with them, admit them, and work them out? 
Can’t we express them? 
Is emotion weakness? 
But then why do we feel so much? From such a young age until our old age? 
Why are emotions taboo? 
They should be more revealing of the heart and mind’s condition. 

They should be attended to and healed.
They should be expressed and reconciled.
And then we can be resilient. 

Then we can be heard.

They were made to be acknowledged.