The Beauty of Grief.

The beauty of grief.
All the pent up emotions.. All the disappointment and pain. All the things swept under the rug. All the things told to be left untouched and moved on from.
Coming like a ton of bricks.
Like an on-coming train heading straight for you, and you’re too wide-eyed to move. Crashing into you, rushing into you.
Oh the memories. Oh the terrors. Oh the deeply scary emotions of death. Near death. Brokenness. Trust trampled on. 
Oh the pain. Oh the unspeakable feelings that can’t be explained, only felt. 
Only grieved. Fully and fully. Feeling all of it, the tears falling down. Tumbling down. 

Can’t stop the breathing the trembling and quick breathing. Can’t stop the tears. Like when a rainstorm soaks and tears. Oh from the depths of my soul it comes forth.
I ask God why. Why? How come? Why me? Confusion anger hurt anger disappointment anger.
But after these deeply felt moments, I feel free for a second. Lighter. The burden has lifted. I’ve dealt with that moment of suppressed pain. 
Released. 

Onto the next. 

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Verbal Abuse

Excepts taken from “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans:
1. Mostly, verbal abuse is secretive. Usually only the partner of the abuser hears it.
2. Verbal abuse becomes more intense over time. The partner becomes used to and adapted to it.
3. Verbal abuse takes many forms and disguises.
4. Verbal abuse consistently discounts the partner’s perception of the abuse.
(pg 21)
Verbal abuse may be overt, such as an angry outburst directed at the partner or an attack along the lines of, “You’re too sensitive.” Or it may be covert, hidden, as in thecase of “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” when in fact the abuser does know.
Covert verbal abuse is subversive because of its indirect quality. It is a covert attack or coercion. This kind of abuse has been described as “crazymaking.” It is “a form of interpersonal interaction that results from the repression of intense aggression and which seriously impairs its victim’s capacity to recognize and deal with he interpersonal reality.”  (pg 23)
Generally the responsibility for recognising verbal abuse rests with the partner of the abuse, because the abuser is not motivated to change. However, the partner may have difficulty recognising the abuse for what it is because she is led to doubt her feelings. For example, if she feels hurt or upset by something her mate has said and she expresses her feeling, saying, “I felt bad when you said that,” the verbal abuser, instead of recognising her feeling and responding appropriately, will reject and invalidate her feeling by saying something like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re too sensitive. The partner then doubts her own perception. Wh? In childhood, like many, she may have been taught that her feelings were to ignored. Feelings, however, are essential to our being, because the criteria by which we determine if something is wrong or unsafe.
(pg 24-35)
All verbal abuse is dominating and controlling. Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner’s knowledge is called “crazy making”. “The sustaining of power seems to be one key factor in crazy making behaviour. It appears to be a way of asserting dominance while denying its existence or the wish for it.”
Verbal abuse closes the door to true communication intimacy.
When the verbal abuser refuses to discuss a problem, he prevents all possibility of resolution. In this way he exercises control over the interpersonal reality. Partners are frequently left with a sick, hurt feeling that is never really resolved. There is no feeling of closure. Upsetting incidents may reoccur in confusing flashbacks because they haven’t been fully understood or resolved.
Because of his need for dominance and his unwillingness to accept his partner as an equal, the verbal abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions, experiences, values, accomplishments, and plans of his partner. Consequently, the partner may not even know what it is like to feel supported and validated in her relationship. In truth, a verbally abusive relationship is more or less constant invalidation of the partner’s reality.
The anguish and confusion which the partner experiences from the abuse is compounded by the abuser’s negation and invalidation of both the abuse and its effects.
(pg 45-46)

Disappointment 

How do we deal with disappointments? 

Denial? Completely gloss over the situation as if it never happened and continue life moving forward with lenses clouded with disappointment and a sense of inarticulatable loss? 

Forgetting we can feel pain and the depths of disappointment? 

Broken promises.. Lost hope.. Shattered ideals? 

Do we even consider we were disappointed? Or that it’s just a part of life and we need to move forward? 

Have we lost our sense of worth and value and allow every unjust thing to be part of our worth-telling?
Or do you step up to the plate, fully present and aware, fully ready to deal with the concept of pain and deeply unspeakable thoughts and feelings?

About your dad never being the one you imagined him to be.

Him not being in your life, neglected at adolescence. His voice and encouragements unavailable and unaccessible. 

His strength and love unfelt with the thousands of miles distance and occasional interaction.

Him showing his care through washing the dishes, moving the lawn, providing a home, but actually not there to be a part of your life process and growth.

Feeling like he never really knew you and you never really knew him.

And yet believing this was love and how it should be. 

Disappointment with financial instability but unable to tell him. Didn’t want to break all that he worked for. Sacrificed for.

But growing older and living together again with a huge gap between us, I can’t help but feel angry and disappointed from all our fights. His logical but not encouraging or nurturing advice. His harsh words and one-way thinking. His lack of emotional availability. 

Call it wishful thinking, call it crazy, call it needy, but to me.. It’s just a little girl longing for a loving caring affectionate present encouraging father. I think we all have this longing. 

And this longing unfulfilled for years and years and years and years, it catches up to you. You stop making excuses for him. You stop justifying his lack and you start feeling the pain. The deep deep sense of absence and longing. 

And that my friend, is disappointment first identified. Hard to put words but let me save you days of reflection and going back and forth from justifications and trying to understand and empathize and yell at yourself for feeling this way.

Perhaps fathers were meant to be a crucial part of children’s lives. Present, emotionally available, encouraging, affectionate, protective, and forgiving. 

Sure, many people don’t have this type of father but it doesn’t mean it should be that way forevermore. We need to discuss the disappointment of our families to see where we lacked, hurt, and need to grieve to move forward with a clearer and more healthy understanding of parents and family functions.

How do you deal with disappointment? 

“Hey Beautiful” Sweatshirt Photoshoot

Finally got to do a proper photoshoot to showcase my sweatshirt! Thank you Jun Hye for agreeing to model for me, and for being a big advocate for my products and campaign 🙂 Here are parts of the photoshoot! We took them at the Green Cloud Cafe in Hongdae, Seoul. I’m going to publicize this sweatshirt and its sales through various sites soon! So happy with these photos! What a beauty. 😉 The sweatshirt is designed by me, Judy Kim! It was originally for a design class for a promotional campaign fighting against verbal abuse and speaking life. This was to remind those looking that they are beautiful 😉

Etsy Store– these photos look so good with Jun Hye! Looking fabulous 🙂

Daily Boom– Korean store and site, which uses the Electronic Transfer Fund that helps makes payment so much easier in Korea!

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Love those shots 🙂 Still learning how to photograph professionally for products and how it looks indoors, without a studio, or if I need to do everything in a studio.These had a warm fun casual look, with a cool artistic cafe backdrop! I like the look of these photos, but I also realize if I want to put out these products on public selling sites I might have to try new things with a clear white studio or make things more commercial-like. Either way, I think I did my part with getting nice shots of the sweatshirt! 🙂 And Jun Hye modelled very well for her first time. I shall call her and her fiancé together once again when I make more couple products 😉

More professional photos:

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Love the look! And the WordPress upgrades that makes all these photo collages so lovely. Circles, tiles, squares, mosaics, etc. So cool, I wish I had one of these for my own photos that I can export for other outlets.

It was so awesome working with the lovely Jun Hye Doh! Finally got myself pictures as the artist behind the scenes. Hehe 🙂

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A photoshoot success 🙂 YAY.

 

All photos taken by Judy Kim on a Canon 5 Mark D ii with a 40mm f/2.8 lens. All photos are copyright to Judy Kim Productions.

Travel Blog

It’s 2016 and I finally got around to building my own travel blog! It’s been a minute but it’s finally here 🙂 Check out http://www.judykimadventures.wordpress.com! Right now they mostly include insights and experiences about Venice, Italy, upon my first couple of weeks moving there. What a glorious wonderful land. Some pictures as a sneak peek 😉

 

Post-Analog Generation

It’s funny how the digital world connects us, but makes us feel incredibly lonely at the same time. This juxtaposition has been nabbing at me and getting my attention these days, as I live in the grand technologically connected city of Seoul, with incredibly high-speed 4G LTE wifi almost everywhere, and where most everyone on the bus, subway, streets, and classrooms are looking down on their brightly lit mobile phone screens fully absorbed in the digital lives of others. 

It’s fascinating that this generation is exposed to so much instantly-gratified routines like constant messaging back and forth on Kakao Talk, or checking and uploading clips on Snapchat, and running through all the Instagram notifications of crisp and clean, filtered, hipstered-out photo of coffee cups and blank walls. So interesting how this generation has been so online-focused, and rightly so, as globalization and international markets strive to connect and compete with one another by bridging gaps through virtual data and reports. This information generation has been so exposed to who knows what, and the access to other people’s lives, selfies, blogs, travels, political thoughts, and various opinions has surfaced on the web and shared by countless users per day.

It’s crazy to think even 20 years ago, the dot.com invention did not exist nor permeate through society as it does now.

Why am I bringing this up?

Because I find that all lot of young people (including myself) are finding their sense of worth, importance, and identity on the web. More importantly, we are finding our sense of significance by how many followers we have, how many responses we get, and how many “likes” we obtain on a post or photo. God bless the people who really don’t think this way or use social platforms as obsessively to gain a sense of approval, but God also bless those who are bombarded with insecurity and fears as they see their post go unnoticed. 

I think it’s something people don’t like to talk about or admit to, because frankly speaking it is very silly and outrageous to feel less important or valuable because people missed or didn’t give attention to your post, but I think our freedom of expression, thoughts, and feelings are spoken through these platforms and with the sense of vulnerability we feel robbed of significance if no one seems to care. 

However, I do believe this is pandemic more in certain regions, and now that I am back in Seoul, South Korea, the hub of technology and quick everything, I find myself also being on my phone often and checking social media (aka only Facebook because I deleted Instagram) a lot more frequently and with a lot more detail and a lot more judgment and insecurity than I did when I was living in Italy and traveling all throughout Europe. Europeans don’t find that much of their sense of worth online because they are not really online. Yes they are available online but they tend to take social media lightly and engage in normal everyday activities with much love and energy. At least the Italians and those living in Italy. They prefer to be more relaxed, laid back, and incredibly relational and welcoming to foreigners and interested about each individual and what they like and desire. Even in Austria I found so many happy others-focused authentic lifestyles that were fully there in the present. 

In Korea and Eastern Asia, I find more rigid walls, rules of respect, lack of vulnerability, and a whole lot of judgment. I’m sorry if I sound like I am generalizing but I think people who have experienced cross cultural lifestyles and lived in 3 different continents (like myself) are allowed to acknowledge the stark differences and give perspective to others. Throughout it all I’ve found that relationships and authenticity are the most important. And I’m not talking about romantic relationships (which are also important) but friendships and people who you do life with. 

These people should make your lives full of joy, fun, laughter, depth, and stick with you through the tough times and the good times. Your sense of worth and approval and significance should come from God and also backed up by these appreciative loving present people. They should make you feel alive and you should forget that you need to prove yourself online because you are too busy living joyfully and richly in the unplugged world. This is not to say taking photos or videos are bad, I myself am an avid documentarist of everything as a photographer and videographer because I find these moments so precious and fleeting. However, the need to be seen and liked by the digital community and approved of should not be the reason for posts. 

I think it happens to the best of all of us at times, some more than others, but in the end I say this to examine your real life. Do they reflect what you post up and more? Does your everyday life feel more abundant and joyful and deeply connected than your social media posts seem? Or are they but a fleeting non-authentic moment created just for the photo and unsuspecting audience? Does everything come out of s place of abundance and overflow of your real life? Or is it all made up on the spot to feature a life you really don’t have? 

Perks of Being a Wallflower

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Ain’t it true?

This is a quote from the book and movie “Perks of Being a Wallflower” which I watched again earlier this year in Venice and resonated with me even until now. It really made me think about what kind of people and things we allow in our lives. I made this because it is very much something I had to reflect on while thinking about my past relationships and had also allowed so much turmoil and emotional abuse in. If somebody treats you unrightly continually, you begin to believe it’s what you deserve. And when you think it’s what you deserve, you end up accepting it as true and right. You accept the lies, the disrespect, the abuse. Only recently have I realized this and how different people have been telling me I don’t deserve some of those things. So hard to break out of, but this quote really made me think.

Ain’t it true?

Links about Emotional Abuse and  Signs of Emotional Abuse.
More Graphic Designs by Judy Kim.
Made by Judy Kim Productions!