“What the fuck is your problem?
What the fuck is your deal you little cunt?!” She screamed to her sister in the driver’s seat.
“You selfish piece of shit, I fucking hate you!!”
Shock, silence, and quick thinking.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?!?” she screamed again.
The sensitive girl did not say much back. Too many things were being felt at once. The idiocies of her mistake, the fear that she was incredibly wrong and selfish, the confusion of what her friends just said and what this blood-related sister was screaming. The sense of humiliation yet the feelings of familiarity like she should’ve known this is what she deserved. She wasn’t allowed to have time for herself. Her sense-of-self was supposed be beat down. It did not belong to her. She would cling onto nothing else except these words being screamed at her. This was all very familiar. This large dark sometimes-violent malicious deeply-black rageful thing taking form and screaming at her.
“You are a motherfucking piece of shit. I hate you!! You’re the worst sister in the world, you selfish bitch. You think you’re a good little Christian huh? You fucking selfish bitch. Fuck you.” she finished.
Hatred and darkness surrounded the girl in the driver’s seat. All she could feel was the rage and attacks. She didn’t know she was feeling unsafe, but she was. She thought quickly. Self-analysis. “What did I do?! What did I do?!” More self-analysis. More reflection. Criticizing voices all around her. Her sensitivities heightened. Senses raised. Everything seemed to shake at her, scream in her ear about her failures and remind her to quickly analyze what she could’ve done so bad to cause such anger and hatred towards her. “The ride. Be on time. I pissed her off cus I didn’t pick her up on time. Next time I need to be on time. I need to do what she says. It’s not okay to spend time with friends if she needs me. I can’t do that. It’s my fault she’s mad. I am selfish. I’m a bad sister. I caused her anger and harm. I am really selfish. Be on time. I should be ashamed of myself. Don’t spend time with friends. I can’t do that anymore it’s selfish,” she said to herself. She needed to prove to her sister that she wasn’t.
She was scared.
Ever Changing 